I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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