If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
