omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
