I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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