remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
