When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
