btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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