I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
