I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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