Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
