We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
