what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
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