My first STD was from a foam party
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pants are for mortals
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
