he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
