How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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