I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
