i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
