I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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