Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
