Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Send help, water and tortillas.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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