I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
