I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
