here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
