Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
