Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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