New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
