I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm having to shit out rocks
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
