found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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