I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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