maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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