i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
