i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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