I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
