Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
