So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
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