I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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