Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
