My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
