It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
