Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize