I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
