So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
