he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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