it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
