oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize