She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
