I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
