I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
