don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
