shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Mom said you looked used
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
