how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he thought i was a dude.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
