i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
