At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
