I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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