i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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