I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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