You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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