I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
