You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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